A quiet place for
PDA parents
Coffee, understanding, and practical support for parents raising children with PDA profiles. No judgment. No fixing. Just people who get it.
For parents and caregivers who identify their child as having a PDA profile—formal diagnosis not required.
What to Expect
No pressure, no judgment—just understanding.
Confidential
What's shared here stays here. No recording, no social media posts.
No Judgment
We get it. We've all had the meltdown in the parking lot. You're not alone.
Come As You Are
Come late, leave early, step out anytime. You're welcome to just listen.
If This Sounds Familiar
"I Googled 'why does my child say no to everything' at 2am. That's how I found PDA."
"He can beat any adult at a board game. He can't brush his teeth without a meltdown."
"The school sees defiance. I see a kid who's terrified."
"Every strategy works. For about a week."
"My parents think I'm too soft. My friends think I'm making excuses. I'm just trying to get through Tuesday."
"He wants to go to the birthday party. He can't go to the birthday party."
Who We Are
We started this group after our own son's neuropsych evaluation—when we finally had a name for what we were seeing, but still felt completely alone with it. We went looking for other parents who got it. Parents who knew what it meant to watch every strategy work and then stop working. Parents who wouldn't say "just be more consistent."
We found a few. Then a few more. Now we're more than fifteen families.
Society doesn't understand us. But we understand us.
Explore
Room cost is ~$50 per meetup. If you'd like to pitch in, thank you. If not, truly no pressure—your presence is enough.
Support the Space (opens in new tab)Our Story
Why we started this, and why we keep showing up.
This isn't a success story. It's an orientation story—for parents who realized the usual rules don't apply to their child.
We heard the word "defiant" more times than we can count.
Then came the neuropsych evaluation. The psychologist tried every tool in the clinical playbook: rewards, timers, choices, gamification. Each one worked—until it didn't. Not randomly. Predictably. The moment something stopped feeling like a choice and became a demand, his nervous system rejected it. By the second day, he slid under the table, across the floor, and walked out. He chose to leave without the prize he'd been promised.
The evaluation reframed everything we thought we knew. What looked like defiance was anxiety. What looked like manipulation was a nervous system trying to maintain safety. The "no!" before we'd finished the sentence. The meltdowns at transitions. Why he'd follow rules he invented but rage against anyone else's. Why rewards worked on Tuesday and not on Wednesday.
What we learned, slowly and painfully, is that consistency doesn't calm an anxious nervous system. So many of our old parenting failures suddenly made sense. So that's why timeouts weren't effective. With deeper understanding, some things—certainly not even close to everything—became clearer. What looked like a lack of impulse control was so much easier to recognize as fight-or-flight. His huge outbursts were a response to feeling out of control. And after all the reading, after trying to better understand what we can so we can help our son move a little more easily through the world, we still come back to this daily struggle: if we can't tell our child what to do—let alone ask him—how are we supposed to parent?
The next hard thing: once we had some sort of "answer," we still felt alone. Most teachers haven't heard of PDA. Most pediatricians haven't. You can't hand someone a pamphlet and have them understand why your child—clearly intelligent, clearly verbal, clearly capable—cannot do the thing they're being asked to do.
We went looking for other parents who got it. Parents who wouldn't say "just be more consistent." Parents who knew what it meant to watch every strategy expire. Parents who understood that keeping the peace is sometimes the right call—not a failure of discipline.
We found a few. Then a few more. Now we're more than fifteen families.
Some parents here have a formal PDA profile on paper. Others don't. What connects us isn't the label—it's the pattern. If your child's behavior doesn't match the books, if the strategies that "work for most kids" don't work for yours, if you're exhausted from performing a version of parenting that was never designed for your family—you belong here.
This group exists because the best resource for raising a child like ours isn't a book or a clinician—it's another parent sitting next to you on a Saturday morning, saying "yeah, that happened to us too."
Society doesn't understand us.
But we understand us. 💜
Connect
Low-friction ways to stay in the loop.
Email List
Get meetup reminders, location details, and occasional updates. 1-2 emails per month max. Unsubscribe anytime.
Join Email List →Private Chat
Connect with other parents between meetups. Ask questions, vent, share wins.
- Confidentiality applies here too
- No unsolicited advice—ask first
- Be kind; we're all struggling
- No child names or identifying details
💡 Suggest a Meetup Topic
What would be helpful to discuss? Some ideas from past meetups:
Start Here
Everything you need to know before your first meetup.
What is PDA?
PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance)—also called Persistent Drive for Autonomy by many in the community—is a widely recognized profile that many autistic people and families identify with. It describes an anxiety-driven need to avoid everyday demands and maintain a sense of control.
Note: PDA is not currently a formal DSM diagnosis in the United States, but it's increasingly recognized by clinicians and researchers. Many families find the PDA framework helpful for understanding their child's needs.
Kids who fit the PDA profile often:
- Resist demands in ways that go beyond typical behavior
- Need a high level of control over their environment
- Use social strategies to avoid demands (negotiating, distracting, giving excuses)
- Experience sudden mood changes and "meltdowns"
- May appear socially skilled but struggle with underlying anxiety
What This Group Is (and Isn't)
- Peer support community
- A safe space to vent
- Resource sharing
- Practical tips exchange
- Understanding listeners
- Therapy or treatment
- Medical advice
- Legal guidance
- Diagnosis providers
- School advocates
Meetup Norms
A Note on Trauma
Many of us carry deep stress from this journey—PTSD-like symptoms aren't uncommon. Tears happen here. Stepping out is okay. You're not required to share your story or have answers. If you feel overwhelmed, that's valid. We've been there too.
The Long Game: Brain Development Continues
The prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for executive function, impulse control, and emotional regulation—isn't fully developed until around age 25. This is why many parents focus on the long-term trajectory, not day-to-day battles.
Parents of older PDA kids report significant improvements as their children mature. Young adults who couldn't apply for jobs suddenly can. Kids who couldn't tolerate any demands become more flexible. It's not a guarantee, but it's real hope.
✨ New Here? Quick Checklist
Events & Meetups
Second Saturday of each month, plus special sessions as needed.
Second Saturday of Every Month
10:00 AM PT · Email for location
Upcoming Dates
These dates are calculated automatically—no need to check if they're current!
Meetups are held the second Saturday of every month at 10:00 AM PT. Email for location details.
Special Events
We occasionally host paperwork co-working nights and other special sessions. These are announced via the email list—.
What to Expect at a Meetup
🚗 Arrive: Parking available
☕ Settle in: Grab coffee, find a seat
👋 Introductions: Quick name & kid age (optional)
💬 Open sharing: Topics emerge organically
👥 Breakouts: Sometimes split by age group
🚪 Leave anytime: No explanation needed
Have a Topic in Mind?
We're collecting topics parents want to discuss.
Resources
Community-shared resources. Not endorsements—verify fit for your family.
⚠️ Important: These are parent-shared strategies and resources, not professional recommendations. What works for one family may not work for another. Always verify credentials, current availability, and fit for your specific situation.
📋 USA PDA-Positive Providers Database
Community-maintained list of PDA-aware providers across the United States.
View Provider Database (opens in new tab)The local resources below were mentioned positively by parents in our group. For contact details and the latest information, please check with the group or the provider directly.
Neuropsychology (community-recommended)
Psychiatry options
Teach Northwest
Website no longer available — ask in group for current status
CMASAS (Christa McAuliffe Academy)
Autism Society of Oregon
Know a Great Resource?
Help other families by adding to our community spreadsheet.
Add to Spreadsheet (opens in new tab)Curated national resources for understanding and supporting PDA-profile kids.
🚀 Getting Started
📚 Essential Books
Eugene-area activities that tend to work well for PDA kids.
5 Questions to Ask Any Program:
1. Can they opt out of parts without punishment?
2. Can we preview the space and routine first?
3. Do you allow breaks / headphones / sensory tools?
4. How do you handle refusal—coaching or consequences?
5. Can we start with a short trial?
🧗 Movement & Regulation
Elevation Bouldering Gym
Website no longer available — ask in group for current status
Bridgeway House
KindTree – Autism Rocks
⚠️ Important: These are parent-shared strategies, not professional recommendations. This is not legal or official guidance. Processes change—always verify current requirements directly with Lane County DDS or relevant agencies.
Getting services for your child can feel overwhelming. The system is confusing, the paperwork is endless, and the order matters. This page breaks it down based on what parents in our group have learned the hard way.
📋 The Basic Process
Interview Mindset
"Answer questions as if it were their worst day. Do not try to defend your child. Don't say 'well, they do okay when...' They're doing okay because YOU are putting in all the supports. Answer as if they didn't have your support."
Example: "Can they bathe themselves?" → If you have to be in the room, if you have to remind them, if you have to hand them things—the answer isn't "yes."
📄 Documents to Have Ready
- Diagnosis documentation
- Neuropsych evaluation
- IEP or 504 plan
- Medical records
- Provider contact info
- Insurance information
- Birth certificate
- Social Security number
📞 Helpful Scripts
👥 Can't Face the Paperwork Alone?
"Body doubling" helps—having someone sit with you while you tackle forms. We host occasional paperwork co-working sessions. Or ask a friend: "Can you sit with me for an hour while I do this? You don't have to help, just be there."
📅 Check our Events page for upcoming paperwork nights.
Practical Tools
Strategies that actually work—not from books, from parents in the trenches.
📄 Need to Share These with Someone?
Printable strategy cards for teachers, grandparents, babysitters—anyone who needs to understand in 2 minutes.
⚠️ Important: These are parent-shared strategies, not professional recommendations. Every child is different—what works for one family may not work for yours. Use your judgment and consult professionals when needed.
Talk Less
One of the most powerful PDA strategies is simply using fewer words. Every word is a potential demand. Especially when they're dysregulated, more words can feel overwhelming or even threatening.
The Basics
- Cut your sentences in half, then half again
- State facts, don't explain reasoning
- Avoid "why" explanations—they feel like lectures
- One instruction at a time
- Wait longer than feels comfortable for responses
Instead Of → Try
💡 Parent wisdom: "Questions are demands and explanations can feel like pressure. I can see it in her—she responds as if I've been lecturing her when I explain too much."
Declarative Language
Declarative language states observations or facts without demanding action. It removes the pressure of questions and commands while still communicating.
Commands → Observations
Questions → Statements
💡 Parent wisdom: "It felt weird at first—like I was talking to myself. But once I stopped asking questions, the arguments stopped too. She actually started doing things when I stopped asking her to."
After-School Decompression
After holding it together all day at school, PDA kids need time to decompress. This isn't being lazy—it's nervous system recovery. Fighting it makes everything worse.
What Works (from parents)
- Create a "sensory deprivation chamber" with couch cushions, headphones, tablet
- Don't talk to them when they first get home—just exist nearby
- Slide food in like "feeding a wild animal"
- Screen time IS regulation for many PDA kids—lean into it
- No questions about school until they bring it up (maybe never)
💡 Parent wisdom: "Now I know that when she comes home, I just need to not interact with her. I create a sensory deprivation chamber with couch cushions, put her headphones in there with her tablet, and sometimes slide food in."
Strewing
Strewing is placing things in their environment without directing attention to them. Let them "discover" it themselves. This works for food, activities, information—anything.
How It Works
- Put the thing where they'll find it
- Walk away
- Say nothing
- Let them decide if/when to engage
- Never mention you put it there
Examples
Food: Make their preferred snack, leave it on the counter, walk away. Don't say "I made you a snack."
Learning: Leave an interesting book open to an engaging page on the couch.
Hygiene: Put toothbrush with toothpaste already on it by the sink.
💡 Parent wisdom: "If I say 'here's this thing,' he doesn't want it. But if I make it and put it in front of him and walk away and don't say anything, he'll find it on his own and decide to eat it when he's ready."
Tiny Autonomy
PDA kids need to feel in control. Sometimes the smallest amount of control is enough to shift the dynamic completely.
The "6 Minutes Early" Trick
Situation: "Please pick me up early" every single day.
Parent assumption: She wants to leave at lunch like last year.
Reality check: "I can pick you up 6 minutes early."
Kid's response: "Okay."
Result: Problem solved. She just needed to feel she had a choice.
More Tiny Autonomy Ideas
- "Do you want to walk or skip to the car?"
- "Red cup or blue cup?"
- "Which route should we take home?"
- "What order do you want to do these things?"
- Let them set the timer for how long until transition
💡 Key insight: The amount of control doesn't have to be big—it just has to exist. 6 minutes of control over pickup time was enough to completely change the daily dynamic.
Screens & Gaming
Reframing how we think about screen time:
The Reframe
"Screen time IS regulation" — not "rotting their brain." For many PDA kids, screens provide predictable, controllable, low-demand engagement that helps regulate their nervous system.
Safety Tools
- Family Safety app for monitoring
- YouTube Kids with approved videos only
- Roblox parental controls
Roblox/Minecraft as Real Skills
- Roblox Studio: Kids can create and even monetize games
- Video creation and editing
- Pixel art and design
- Social connection in a controlled environment
💡 Parent wisdom: "Low-demand parenting means low-demand on yourself too. Whatever gets you through is valid."
Feeding & ARFID
ARFID (Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder) is common alongside PDA. Here's what helps:
Reframe Expectations
- 3-5 safe foods is common, not unusual
- Therapeutic goal: "Just eating more of what they already eat"
- Any calories are good calories
Practical Strategies
- Snack drawer: 3-drawer plastic thing they can access anytime
- Strewing food: Make it, leave it, walk away—don't announce it
- Skip "meals": Grazing throughout the day is fine
- Liquid calories: Smoothies, protein shakes, milk
- Carbonation: Can help with fullness tolerance
The Control Piece
If YOU give them food, they don't want it. If they "discover" it, they might eat it. The demand of receiving food from a parent can trigger avoidance.
💡 Parent wisdom: "I was organic-only mom... now McDonald's is fine. Any calories are good calories."
What Doesn't Work
Save yourself years of trial and error. Many PDA families report that these approaches typically backfire:
Note: Some families report different experiences; this reflects our community's general consensus.
Behavioral Approaches That Backfire
- Sticker charts and reward systems
- ABA (Applied Behavior Analysis) and other compliance-based behavioral interventions
- Consequences and punishments
- "Teaching obedience" or compliance training
- Time-outs
Communication That Backfires
- Explaining "why" (feels like a lecture)
- Asking questions (questions are demands)
- Gentle parenting scripts that still contain demands
- Vague language like "in a few minutes"
School Environments That Often Struggle
- Waldorf schools (too many hidden demands)
- IB or language immersion programs (high demand load)
- Large, rigid classroom settings
What Won't Prevent All Meltdowns
Even "perfect" accommodation. There are internal demands—frustrations, sensory overwhelm, losses of autonomy—that build regardless of what you do. PDA is a fluctuating disability; some days the capacity is simply lower.
Meltdowns still happening doesn't mean you're on the wrong track. See the Meltdowns as Data tool for more on this reframe.
💡 Parent wisdom: "Many years of sticker charts that were a terrible idea."
When Choices Become Demands
For many PDA kids, any decision—even "what do you want for dinner?"—triggers the same threat response as a direct command. The brain freezes because choosing feels like being trapped.
Why Choices Can Backfire
- Every option is a potential "wrong answer"
- Choosing means committing = loss of control
- Open-ended questions feel infinite and overwhelming
- Being asked feels like being watched/judged
What Helps Instead
Default with opt-out:
Silent visual options:
Pre-approved safe choices:
Decision windows:
The "food" answer:
When asked what they want to eat, many PDA kids say "food" because any specific answer feels like commitment. This isn't being difficult—it's decision paralysis. Accept "food" and provide something.
Scripts That Help
- "I'm doing X. You can join or not."
- "The default is Y. Change it if you want."
- "I'll decide this one. You can pick next time."
- "You don't have to choose. I've got it."
💡 Key insight: "Tiny Autonomy" works when they want control. But sometimes the kindest thing is removing the choice entirely. Read the room: frozen = too many options.
Teen Toolkit
PDA in teens often looks different: less explosive, more shutdown. The challenge shifts from "won't do what I ask" to "can't seem to start anything."
The Teen PDA Pattern
- Initiation paralysis: Knows what to do, can't start
- Submission friction: Does the work, won't turn it in
- Identity/meaning loss: When one anchor collapses (sports, gaming, friend group), everything wobbles
- Door closed: Early years = "don't leave me." Teen years = "don't talk to me."
💡 The shift from attachment to withdrawal isn't rejection—it's often autonomy protection as cognitive capacity grows. Don't take it personally.
Submission Friction: When Work Gets Done But Not Turned In
Many PDA teens do assignments but refuse to submit them—especially electronically. The "submit" button feels like giving up control.
- Paper-first: Request accommodation for paper submissions
- Submit together: Body-double the portal step ("I'll sit here while you click")
- Portal helper: Teacher or study hall aide clicks "submit" for them
- One step per day: Today = open laptop. Tomorrow = log in. Next day = upload.
- "Good enough" contract: Pre-agree that 70% complete is acceptable
Initiation: "I Want To But I Can't Start"
This isn't laziness. Starting requires: deciding to start + choosing how + committing to follow through. Each step is a demand.
- Shrink the first step: "Just open the document" (not "do the essay")
- Body doubling: You work nearby on your own thing. Parallel presence, no commentary.
- Scheduled starts: "We start at 3pm. I'll sit with you for the first 5 minutes."
- Remove the decision: "We're doing math at 4. I'll have it ready."
- Transition rituals: Same song, same snack, same spot—every time
Driving, Jobs, College: The "Launch" Demands
These milestones pile up demands: applications, interviews, tests, deadlines, expectations. Break them into micro-steps over months, not weeks.
- Driving: LCC safe driving course as alternative to parent teaching. Separate learning from the license test.
- Jobs: Start with informal gigs (dog walking, yard work) before applications. Control over schedule matters more than pay.
- College: Consider transition coaches who specialize in autistic/ND teens. Gap years are valid.
When an Anchor Collapses
PDA teens often survive on one meaning-structure at a time: a sport, a game, a friend group, a class. When it's gone, everything destabilizes.
- Don't rush replacement ("try soccer instead!")
- Let them grieve the loss—it's real
- Watch for depression signs (sleep, appetite, self-harm talk)
- Passive engagement (watching soccer, following creators) counts as connection
- Build an "anchor menu" together when calm—options for when the current thing ends
💡 Parent wisdom: "The door-closed years are hard. But when he does come out, I try to just... be there. No questions. Just exist in the same room. Sometimes that's enough."
Meltdowns as Data
Your child still having meltdowns doesn't mean you're "doing it wrong." Meltdowns are part of having a nervous system disability—not evidence of failed parenting.
The Progress Paradox
For kids who've been masking or in shutdown/freeze, more meltdowns can actually mean healing. Here's why:
The nervous system is hierarchical. To get back to "safe and social," a child must climb up through "mobilization" (fight/flight) first. A kid who was frozen in their room for months and is now screaming about a video game is moving up the ladder.
Example: A child has an enormous meltdown over a video game—throws the controller, screams, slams doors. Six months ago, this wouldn't have happened because they weren't leaving their room. The meltdown is actually progress: they're engaging with the world again, pushing their own frustration tolerance.
Four Observation Lenses
These reframes can make meltdowns less painful for you:
- 1. "It's just data" — Don't take nervous system activation personally. Meltdowns are often a tipping point, not solely related to what you did or what happened right before.
- 2. Bird's eye view — Compare to baseline, not perfection. A few meltdowns per week after a year of accommodating might feel terrible, but it's a huge improvement from multiple meltdowns per day during burnout.
- 3. Recovery speed — Observe how quickly they return to baseline. 5 minutes of screaming is different from an hour of violence. Faster recovery = nervous system flexibility improving.
- 4. Mobilization as progress — Fight/flight after years of freeze or masking is movement up the nervous system ladder, not regression.
Internal Demands Exist
Even if you "do everything perfectly," meltdowns will still happen. There are internal demands—frustrations, losses of autonomy, sensory overwhelm—that build independently of anything you do or don't do.
PDA is a fluctuating disability. Some days the capacity is higher, some days it's depleted. This isn't your fault.
Reading the Body, Not the Words
During meltdowns, words and body often contradict. With practice, you can learn to read what they actually need:
Example: A child screams "GET OUT!!!" but is physically leaning into you, not pushing away. The body is saying "stay." With attunement, you learn when to leave them alone vs. when to stay present despite the words.
This takes time. When in doubt, offer connection without pressure and respect a clear "no."
During the Meltdown
Your job is to help them back to safety—not to correct, teach, or stop the meltdown.
- Let them scream without responding to content
- Be a witness to their pain without trying to fix it
- Stay in sight but not in their space (if externalized)
- Wait, then offer something small (popsicle, drink) without expectation
- Don't debrief or "learn from it" until much later—if ever
💡 The reframe: "Meltdowns happening doesn't mean I'm on the wrong track. My child has a nervous system disability. My job is to help them back to safety, not to prevent all distress."
Script Library
Copy-paste phrases for everyday PDA moments. Fewer words, less pressure.
Remember: These are starting points, not magic words. Delivery matters—calm voice, then walk away. What works today may not work tomorrow. Adapt freely.
Morning & Getting Out
Won't wake up / get out of bed
Won't get dressed
Won't eat breakfast
Won't leave the house
Won't get in the car
Running late / time pressure
Transitions
Ending screen time
Activity changes
Coming inside
Leaving fun places
Unexpected changes
School Moments
School morning stress
Pickup meltdowns
Homework mentions
"How was school?"
School refusal starting
Quick Wins
Hygiene refusal (teeth, bath, etc.)
Mealtime basics
Bedtime start
Public meltdown
Support the Space
Help keep our meetups going.
Room Cost: ~$50 per meetup
We rent a room for about $25/hour. A typical meetup runs 2 hours. Your contribution helps cover this cost and keeps the space available for everyone.
Donate via Venmo (opens in new tab)@Peter-Hollens on Venmo
Other Ways to Help
- Sponsor a month ($50-100)
- Bring snacks to a meetup
- Help with the website
- Contribute to the resource list
- Spread the word to other PDA parents
"If money is tight, your presence is enough."
No one will ever be turned away for inability to donate.
Printable Strategy Cards
Hand these to teachers, grandparents, babysitters—anyone who needs to understand in 2 minutes.
🧠 PDA in 60 Seconds
PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) is a nervous-system response, not willful defiance.
When demands feel like loss of control, the brain reads threat → fight/flight/freeze.
What You Might See
- Refusal/negotiation over "small" requests
- Big reactions to time pressure, being watched, public correction
- Can look fine… until suddenly not (masking)
What Helps Most
- Lower pressure first (fewer words, fewer demands, more autonomy)
- Connection before correction (calm + respectful tone)
- Offer choice / collaboration instead of commands
💡 If you remember one thing: More pressure = less capacity. Reduce threat → behavior improves.
🌊 During Escalation: Do / Don't
✓ Do
- Make it smaller: fewer words, fewer people, fewer demands
- Safety first: move peers/objects; give space; neutral voice
- Offer a low-pressure exit: "You can go to the calm spot."
- Narrate what you will do: "I'm going to stand over here."
- Wait it out: regulation first, learning later
✗ Don't
- Don't lecture, reason, or demand explanations mid-storm
- Don't force eye contact, apologies, or compliance "right now"
- Don't threaten consequences or do countdowns
- Don't touch unless absolutely necessary for safety
- Don't argue with "logic" while dysregulated
⚠️ Safety exception: If there's immediate danger, use short, direct safety language—then return to low-pressure.
💬 Declarative Language Cheat Sheet
Goal: Communicate without triggering threat.
Rule of thumb: Fewer questions. Fewer commands. More observations. Then walk away.
Commands → Observations
Questions → Statements
🚫 What NOT to Say (and what to try instead)
Key insight: Questions are demands. Explanations can feel like pressure. Keep it short and kind.
💡 Mantra: "Questions are demands. Explanations are violence (to their nervous system)."
🏠 After-School Decompression Protocol
Why: Many kids "hold it together" all day, then collapse at home. This is called after-school restraint collapse—it's real, and it's exhausting for everyone.
What To Do (First 30-60 Minutes)
- Zero demands—not even "how was school?"
- Food + water available without commentary
- A "sensory cave" option: headphones, dim light, screens, blanket, quiet
- Connection without questions (be near, not at)
What NOT To Do
- Don't interrogate: "How was school?" "What did you learn?"
- Don't stack transitions: "homework now, then bath, then…"
- Don't take the meltdown personally—it's not about you
💡 Parent wisdom: "When she comes home, I just need to not interact with her. I create a sensory cave and sometimes slide food in like I'm feeding a wild animal."
📋 For Teachers: 5 Things to Know About My Child
My child does best when adults reduce pressure and offer autonomy.
🛡️ Safe Person Continuity Plan
When the trusted adult changes or is absent, many PDA kids experience immediate crisis. This template helps schools plan for transitions before they happen.
If Primary Is Absent
Example: "[Name] is helping another student today. [Backup] is here for you. You can still go to [safe location]."
If Primary Is Leaving Permanently
Keep it honest, simple, and not about the child. Example: "[Name] is going to help kids at another school. It's not because of anything you did."
💡 Key insight: For PDA kids, relationship continuity is infrastructure—not a "nice to have." Sudden changes can trigger immediate school refusal. Plan the handoff like you'd plan any other essential accommodation.
🎁 Why Rewards Don't Work Here
For grandparents, in-laws, and skeptics who ask: "Have you tried a sticker chart?"
What They See
- "Won't" do things other kids do easily
- Defiance, negotiation, meltdowns
- Parents "giving in" or being "too soft"
What's Actually Happening
PDA is a nervous system response—not willful misbehavior. When demands feel like loss of control, the brain reads threat. Rewards add pressure ("now I HAVE to do it") which increases threat.
What Helps
- Reducing pressure first
- Offering real choices (not "my way or else")
- Waiting until they're calm
- Connection, not correction
What Backfires
- Sticker charts, reward systems
- Punishments, consequences
- Lectures, explanations
- Forcing compliance
💡 The bottom line: This isn't bad parenting or a spoiled child. It's a different nervous system that needs a different approach. We've tried rewards—usually for years. They made things worse.
📊 Meltdowns Don't Mean Failure
For parents who need reassurance: Your child still having meltdowns doesn't mean you're doing it wrong.
The Progress Paradox
For kids coming out of shutdown or freeze, more meltdowns can mean healing. The nervous system must move through "mobilization" (fight/flight) to reach "safe and social." A child who was frozen in their room and is now screaming about a video game is climbing up the ladder.
Four Observation Lenses
How to Read Meltdowns as Data
- "It's just data" — Don't take it personally. Meltdowns are tipping points, not your fault.
- Bird's eye view — Compare to baseline, not perfection. Fewer meltdowns than burnout = progress.
- Recovery speed — How fast do they return to safety? Faster = improvement.
- Mobilization as progress — Fight/flight after freeze is movement UP the ladder.
Internal Demands Exist
Even perfect accommodation can't prevent all meltdowns. There are internal demands—frustrations, losses of autonomy, sensory overwhelm—that build regardless of what you do.
During the Meltdown
Your job: help them back to safety. Not correct, teach, or stop it.
- Let them scream without responding to content
- Be a witness to their pain
- Offer something small (popsicle, drink) without expectation
- Don't debrief until much later—if ever
💡 The reframe: "Meltdowns happening doesn't mean I'm on the wrong track. My child has a nervous system disability. Recovery includes difficult behavior on the way back to safety."
Oregon School Toolkit
Practical guidance for navigating school with a PDA kid. Not legal advice—parent-to-parent strategies.
⚠️ Important: This is parent-shared information, not legal or professional advice. Every school district is different. Always verify current policies with your specific school, and consult with advocates or attorneys when needed. We are NOT school advocates—we're parents sharing what worked for us.
IEP vs 504: Plain-Language Comparison
Both provide accommodations. The difference is in how they work and what they require.
| 504 Plan | IEP | |
|---|---|---|
| What it is | Accommodation plan | Special education services + accommodations |
| Law | Section 504 (civil rights) | IDEA (special education) |
| Requires | Disability that limits major life activity | Disability + educational impact + need for specialized instruction |
| What you get | Accommodations in regular classroom | Specialized instruction, services, goals, and accommodations |
| Easier to get? | Generally yes | Requires evaluation, more documentation |
| More protection? | Basic protections | Stronger procedural protections |
| Review frequency | Varies (often annual) | Annual (at minimum) |
When to Request What (Oregon)
Start with 504 if your child needs accommodations but is keeping up academically and doesn't need specialized instruction.
Request IEP evaluation if your child needs specialized teaching methods, has significant academic impact, or needs services beyond accommodations (speech, OT, counseling, etc.).
You can have both: Some families start with 504, then later request IEP evaluation as needs become clearer.
Oregon-Specific Terms
- ODE - Oregon Department of Education
- ESD - Education Service District (regional support)
- Child Find - School's obligation to identify kids who may need services
- PWN - Prior Written Notice (required when school proposes/refuses changes)
- Manifestation Determination - Review to determine if behavior was caused by disability (important for discipline)
Accommodation Bank
Copy-paste language for your IEP/504 meetings. Organized by need.
Anxiety & Demand Reduction
Reduced Homework
"Student will receive modified homework expectations, with homework reduced to [X minutes] or eliminated when school day demands are sufficient."
Private Redirection
"All behavior corrections will be delivered privately, not in front of peers. Staff will use proximity and quiet voice rather than calling out across the room."
Opt-Out from Being Called On
"Student may volunteer answers but will not be cold-called. Teacher will use agreed-upon signal if student wants to participate."
Flexible Deadlines
"Student will receive extended time on assignments without penalty. Late work will be accepted and graded on content, not timeliness."
Transitions & Regulation
Transition Warnings
"Student will receive 10-minute and 2-minute warnings before any transition. Visual timer will be available for student use."
Break Pass (No Questions Asked)
"Student may leave classroom to designated safe space using break pass without asking permission or providing explanation. Maximum [X] minutes, [X] times per day."
Safe Person Access
"Student may access [specific staff member] when dysregulated. Staff member will be available during [times] and will provide co-regulation support."
Modified Arrival/Dismissal
"Student may arrive [X] minutes early/late to avoid crowded transitions. Dismissal will be [X] minutes before/after general dismissal."
Communication & Instruction
Declarative Language
"Staff will use declarative language (observations, statements) rather than direct commands or questions when possible. Example: 'Math books are coming out' vs. 'Get your math book.'"
Choice Within Structure
"Student will be offered choices within non-negotiable tasks. Example: 'Would you like to start with reading or math?' rather than 'Do your reading now.'"
Written Instructions
"Multi-step directions will be provided in writing. Student may refer to written instructions rather than relying on verbal recall."
Pro tip: When writing accommodations, be specific. "Extended time" is vague. "150% of standard time on all assessments" is enforceable.
School Refusal Runbook
When they won't go—or can't go—here's a path forward.
First, understand: School refusal in PDA kids is "can't," not "won't." Their nervous system perceives school as threat. Forcing attendance without addressing the root cause typically makes things worse.
Step-by-Step
Stop the Morning Battle (Temporarily)
If mornings are violent or traumatic, pause. One week of calm at home is better than daily damage. This isn't giving up—it's stabilizing before you can problem-solve.
Document Everything
Start a log: Date, what happened, how long it lasted, what you tried. You'll need this for the school and possibly for medical documentation.
Get Medical Documentation
See your pediatrician or psychiatrist. Get a letter stating your child has a condition affecting school attendance. This protects you from truancy issues and opens doors for accommodations.
Contact the School (In Writing)
Email the principal and counselor. State that your child is experiencing anxiety-based school avoidance and request a meeting to discuss accommodations. See our Templates tab for sample language.
Request Evaluation (If Not Already Done)
If your child doesn't have an IEP, request a special education evaluation in writing. The school has 60 days to complete it in Oregon.
Explore Alternatives While Working the Process
Part-time schedule, homebound instruction, online school, homeschool—know your options. Don't wait for the school to suggest them.
Oregon Alternative Paths
- Homebound Instruction: School provides tutoring at home. Usually requires medical documentation. Limited hours (often 5/week).
- Part-Time Enrollment: Attend for specific classes/times. Negotiate based on what's tolerable.
- Online Public School: Oregon Connections Academy, Oregon Virtual Academy, and others. Free, public school at home.
- Private Online: CMASAS (flexible, self-paced, coach support). Costs money but highly flexible.
- Homeschool: File with your ESD. Most flexible option. Can be very low-demand.
Key insight: The goal isn't necessarily returning to full-time traditional school. The goal is finding an educational path that works for your specific child. Sometimes that's accommodations, sometimes it's a different setting entirely.
Communication Templates
Copy, customize, send. Keep copies of everything.
Initial Accommodation Request
Send via email so you have a written record. Follow up if no response in 5 school days.
Follow-Up When Ignored
CC the district-level coordinator on this email. Keep your tone professional.
Request for IEP Evaluation
This starts a legal timeline. The school must respond within 10 school days in Oregon.
Incident Documentation
Always document incidents in writing, even if you also discussed verbally.
Golden Rules for School Communication
- Email everything. Verbal agreements disappear.
- Keep copies. Save every email in a folder.
- Stay professional. You're building a paper trail.
- Follow up. If no response in 5 days, send again.
- Know your escalation path: Teacher → Principal → District Coordinator → State complaint
Need More Support?
These are starting points. For complex situations, consider consulting with a special education advocate.
Autism Society of Oregon (opens in new tab)What We Know About PDA
A living collection of research, organized by the questions parents actually ask. We're not researchers or clinicians—we're parents who went looking for answers. Here's what we found.
What the Evidence Says
"Is PDA just defiance?"
PDA avoidance is driven by the nervous system, not by conscious choice. Children with PDA resist even things they desperately want to do. A child choosing defiance picks their battles—PDA isn't picking, it's panic. After meltdowns, PDA children typically show insight, remorse, and a sense of having had no choice.
- PDA and Autism: Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- Differentiating PDA from ODD — Attwood & Garnett
- PDA for Educators — PDA Society (PDF)
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Demand Avoidance — National Autistic Society / PDA Society
"Why don't rewards and consequences work?"
Rewards become demands themselves. The conditionality of "if you do X, you get Y" creates performance pressure, which increases anxiety, which increases avoidance. Even praise can trigger avoidance by adding implicit pressure to perform again. Punishment escalates the threat response.
- Why Reward Charts Don't Work for PDA — AskEllie
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- Grandparent Guide — PDA North America (PDF)
- "What Helps" Guides — PDA Society
"What happens when adults increase pressure?"
More pressure reliably produces more resistance. Direct commands, urgency, countdowns, authority framing, and public correction all escalate the PDA threat response. Low-arousal, collaborative approaches consistently produce better outcomes. This is the single most actionable finding.
- "What Helps" Guides — PDA Society
- Grandparent Guide — PDA North America (PDF)
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Parent's Guide to PDA — ADDitude Magazine
"Are they manipulating us?"
PDA children can be remarkably strategic at dodging demands—negotiating, distracting, charming. But these are panic-driven escape strategies, not calculated plots. It's closer to a drowning person grabbing anything available. Leading organizations explicitly state this is not a conscious choice.
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- What Is PDA? — PDA Society
- Differentiating PDA from ODD — Attwood & Garnett
- Grandparent Guide — PDA North America (PDF)
"How is PDA different from ODD?"
PDA is anxiety-driven; ODD is characterized by angry, vindictive behavior targeting authority. PDA children use social strategies first (humor, negotiation) before escalating. They resist ALL demands—including fun activities. An estimated 34% of practitioners misidentify PDA using ODD terminology.
- PDA vs. ODD: Differences and Similarities — Autism Parenting Magazine
- Differentiating PDA from ODD — Attwood & Garnett
- Methods of Studying PDA: A Scoping Review — Frontiers in Education
- 5 Things to Know About PDA — Psychology Today
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
"What language actually works?"
Declarative language (observations, statements of fact) works significantly better than imperative language (commands). "I notice the shoes are by the door" instead of "Put your shoes on." This bypasses the threat response by sharing information without demanding a response.
- Declarative Language & PDA — PDA North America (PDF)
- How to Use Declarative Language — Raising PDA Kids
- Declarative Language Parent Tip Sheet — Scribbly Gum (PDF)
- Collaborative and Proactive Solutions — PDA Society
"Why can they do it sometimes but not others?"
PDA capacity fluctuates based on cumulative stress. The nervous system's tolerance varies day to day, hour to hour. A useful metaphor: the anxiety bucket has no drain—it only fills. Yesterday's abilities don't predict today's capacity. This variability is one of the most confusing aspects for outside adults.
- What Is PDA? — PDA Society
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Parent's Guide to PDA — ADDitude Magazine
- Why Lowering Demands Can Feel Counterintuitive — IlluminateU
"Why do they resist things they WANT to do?"
The demand itself—not the activity—is the trigger. When something enjoyable becomes an expectation, the nervous system codes it as a threat regardless of content. A child will miss a party they've anticipated all week if attendance feels mandatory. This is the defining characteristic of PDA.
- What Is PDA? — PDA Society
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Parent's Guide to PDA — ADDitude Magazine
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
"What approaches does the research support?"
Three frameworks are consistently recommended: the PDA Society's PANDA approach (Pick battles, Anxiety management, Negotiate, Disguise demands, Adapt), Ross Greene's Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (CPS), and Declarative Language. All share a core principle: reduce perceived threat, increase perceived autonomy.
- Collaborative and Proactive Solutions — PDA Society
- CPS Research & Workshops — Lives in the Balance (Dr. Ross Greene)
- Declarative Language & PDA — PDA North America (PDF)
- PDA for Teaching Professionals — PDA North America (PDF)
- PANDA Framework — PDA Society
"Is PDA officially recognized?"
Recognition varies dramatically by region. Widely recognized in the UK with educational guidelines. Not a standalone DSM-5 diagnosis in the US—children are typically diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, or anxiety. Growing rapidly in the US (2025 Lives in the Balance Summit themed on PDA) and Australia. The strategies work regardless of the label.
- Research Overviews — PDA Society
- 5 Things to Know About PDA — Psychology Today
- Methods of Studying PDA: Scoping Review — Frontiers in Education
- First US-Based Study of PDA Parents — Michigan Medicine
"What's happening in the nervous system?"
The leading model: the PDA brain has a hyper-sensitive threat detection system. Everyday demands trigger fight/flight/freeze before the reasoning brain can process the request. Intolerance of uncertainty and trait anxiety independently predict extreme demand avoidance. The polyvagal theory framework offers additional explanation.
- Trait Autism & Anxiety in EDA — White et al. (2023), NIH/PMC
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Demand Avoidance Through a Neuroimmune Lens — Psychology Today
- Back to Basics: What Is PDA? — PDA North America
"What should we call it?"
"Pathological Demand Avoidance" remains the clinical term, but "Persistent Drive for Autonomy" is gaining traction—shifting focus from deficit to need. Whether PDA is a distinct autism subtype or a dimensional trait is actively debated. The terminology question is largely irrelevant to the strategies, which work regardless of classification.
- PDA, Demand Avoidance, or Pervasive Drive for Autonomy? — UMHAN
- What Is PDA? Well, PDA is NOT... — Rabbi Shoshana
- Methods of Studying PDA: Scoping Review — Frontiers in Education
- PDA and Diagnosis — PDA Society
Key Academic Papers
Direct links to the most-cited studies. These are the papers that clinicians and researchers reference most frequently.
| Paper | Finding | Confidence |
|---|---|---|
| O'Nions et al. (2014), Autism | PDA shows elevated emotional symptoms vs. ASD and conduct groups | High |
| Greene et al. (2019), CCFPR | CPS effectiveness across clinical and educational settings | High |
| Stuart et al. (2020), CAMH | Intolerance of uncertainty predicts PDA features | Moderate-High |
| O'Nions & Eaton (2020), Paediatrics & Child Health | Most-cited clinical overview; low-demand approach recommended | High |
| Kildahl et al. (2021), Autism | Systematic review: 13 studies, evidence base small but growing | Moderate |
| White et al. (2023), JADD | Autistic traits + anxiety independently predict demand avoidance | Moderate-High |
| Doyle & Kenny (2023), JRSEN | 34% of practitioners misidentify PDA using ODD terminology | High |
| Westby (2025), SAGE Journals | Comprehensive PDA overview and resource compilation | Moderate |
Browse by Topic
Every resource we've found, organized by what you're looking for. Click a topic to expand.
- PDA vs. ODD: Differences and Similarities — Autism Parenting Magazine
- Differentiating PDA from ODD — Attwood & Garnett Events
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- PDA, ODD, ADHD: Oppositional Teen Behavior — ADDitude Magazine
- 5 Things to Know About PDA — Psychology Today
- Methods of Studying PDA: Scoping Review — Frontiers in Education
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- PDA Society Homepage — PDA Society (UK)
- Why Reward Charts Don't Work for PDA Children — AskEllie
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Grandparent Guide — PDA North America (PDF)
- "What Helps" Guides — PDA Society
- Parent's Guide to PDA Strategies — ADDitude Magazine
- Declarative Language & PDA — PDA North America (PDF)
- How to Use Declarative Language — Raising PDA Kids
- Declarative Language Parent Tip Sheet — Scribbly Gum Counselling (PDF)
- Guide for Allies — Language Examples — Reframing Autism
- Collaborative and Proactive Solutions — PDA Society
- Lives in the Balance — Dr. Ross Greene (CPS home)
- CPS & PDA — PDA Society
- PDA for Teaching Professionals — PDA North America (PDF)
- CPS: A Review of Research Findings — Greene et al. (2019), PubMed
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- PANDA Approach — PDA Society (UK)
- Understanding PDA — Autism Parenting Magazine
- Grandparent Guide — PDA North America (PDF)
- PDA for Educators — PDA Society (PDF)
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- PDA for Educators (Updated) — PDA Society (PDF)
- PDA for Teaching Professionals — PDA North America (PDF)
- Ten Effective Classroom Strategies — BehaviourHelp
- Teacher's Guide to Understanding PDA — SENDsupported (PDF)
- PDA Support Strategies at School — Developmental Disability WA (PDF)
- When School Goes Wrong for Your PDAer — PDA North America
- PDA: Overview for Parents and Educators — IEPfocus
- Brief Guide for Supporting Your PDA Grandchild — PDA North America (PDF)
- Talking to Others About PDA — PDA Society
- Supporting Family Members — Express CIC
- Guide for Allies — Reframing Autism
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- PDA North America Homepage — PDA North America
- Parent's Guide to Navigating PDA — ADDitude Magazine
- PDA and Autism Parenting Guide — PDA Parenting
- Why Lowering Demands Can Feel Counterintuitive — IlluminateU
- "What Helps" Guides — PDA Society
- First US-Based Study of PDA Parents — Michigan Medicine
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- PDA Society Homepage — PDA Society (UK)
- Research Overviews — PDA Society
- Identifying & Assessing a PDA Profile — PDA Society Practice Guidance (PDF)
- Collaborative and Proactive Solutions — PDA Society
- PDA for Educators (Updated) — PDA Society (PDF)
- At Peace Parents — Casey Ehrlich, PhD
- First US-Based Study of PDA Parents — Michigan Medicine (University of Michigan partnership)
- PDA in Kids — Child Mind Institute
- Understanding PDA: What It Is, Why It Happens — ADDitude Magazine
- The PDA Paradox by Harry Thompson — First-person account of living with PDA
- The Teacher's Introduction to Pathological Demand Avoidance by Clare Truman (2021) — UK educational framework
- Dr. Tony Attwood — PDA as "postulophobia" (phobia of demands)
- Dr. Ross Greene — Collaborative & Proactive Solutions
- Rabbi Shoshana — FAQs on PDA by a PDAer
This is a living document. We're always learning.
If you've found research, a resource, or a perspective we're missing—we want to hear about it. We read everything.
Send Us a Resource